Mrs. Lirriper's Legacy Read online

never know a happy minutemore," which was done several times both before and since, but still Imust remember that Joshua Lirriper has his good feelings and shows themin being always so troubled in his mind when he cannot wear mourning forhis brother. Many a long year have I left off my widow's mourning notbeing wishful to intrude, but the tender point in Joshua that I cannothelp a little yielding to is when he writes "One single sovereign wouldenable me to wear a decent suit of mourning for my much-loved brother. Ivowed at the time of his lamented death that I would ever wear sables inmemory of him but Alas how short-sighted is man, How keep that vow whenpenniless!" It says a good deal for the strength of his feelings that hecouldn't have been seven year old when my poor Lirriper died and to havekept to it ever since is highly creditable. But we know there's good inall of us,--if we only knew where it was in some of us,--and though itwas far from delicate in Joshua to work upon the dear child's feelingswhen first sent to school and write down into Lincolnshire for his pocket-money by return of post and got it, still he is my poor Lirriper's ownyoungest brother and mightn't have meant not paying his bill at theSalisbury Arms when his affection took him down to stay a fortnight atHatfield churchyard and might have meant to keep sober but for badcompany. Consequently if the Major _had_ played on him with the garden-engine which he got privately into his room without my knowing of it, Ithink that much as I should have regretted it there would have been wordsbetwixt the Major and me. Therefore my dear though he played on Mr.Buffle by mistake being hot in his head, and though it might have beenmisrepresented down at Wozenham's into not being ready for Mr. Buffle inother respects he being the Assessed Taxes, still I do not so much regretit as perhaps I ought. And whether Joshua Lirriper will yet do well inlife I cannot say, but I did hear of his coming, out at a Private Theatrein the character of a Bandit without receiving any offers afterwards fromthe regular managers.

  Mentioning Mr. Baffle gives an instance of there being good in personswhere good is not expected, for it cannot be denied that Mr. Buffle'smanners when engaged in his business were not agreeable. To collect isone thing, and to look about as if suspicious of the goods beinggradually removing in the dead of the night by a back door is another,over taxing you have no control but suspecting is voluntary. Allowancestoo must ever be made for a gentleman of the Major's warmth not relishingbeing spoke to with a pen in the mouth, and while I do not know that itis more irritable to my own feelings to have a low-crowned hat with abroad brim kept on in doors than any other hat still I can appreciate theMajor's, besides which without bearing malice or vengeance the Major is aman that scores up arrears as his habit always was with Joshua Lirriper.So at last my dear the Major lay in wait for Mr. Buffle, and it worritedme a good deal. Mr. Buffle gives his rap of two sharp knocks one day andthe Major bounces to the door. "Collector has called for two quarters'Assessed Taxes" says Mr. Buffle. "They are ready for him" says the Majorand brings him in here. But on the way Mr. Buffle looks about him in hisusual suspicious manner and the Major fires and asks him "Do you see aGhost sir?" "No sir" says Mr. Buffle. "Because I have before noticedyou" says the Major "apparently looking for a spectre very hard beneaththe roof of my respected friend. When you find that supernatural agent,be so good as point him out sir." Mr. Buffle stares at the Major andthen nods at me. "Mrs. Lirriper sir" says the Major going off into aperfect steam and introducing me with his hand. "Pleasure of knowingher" says Mr. Buffle. "A--hum!--Jemmy Jackman sir!" says the Majorintroducing himself. "Honour of knowing you by sight" says Mr. Buffle."Jemmy Jackman sir" says the Major wagging his head sideways in a sort ofobstinate fury "presents to you his esteemed friend that lady Mrs. EmmaLirriper of Eighty-one Norfolk Street Strand London in the County ofMiddlesex in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. Upon whichoccasion sir," says the Major, "Jemmy Jackman takes your hat off." Mr.Buffle looks at his hat where the Major drops it on the floor, and hepicks it up and puts it on again. "Sir" says the Major very red andlooking him full in the face "there are two quarters of the GallantryTaxes due and the Collector has called." Upon which if you can believemy words my dear the Major drops Mr. Buffle's hat off again. "This--"Mr. Buffle begins very angry with his pen in his mouth, when the Majorsteaming more and more says "Take your bit out sir! Or by the wholeinfernal system of Taxation of this country and every individual figurein the National Debt, I'll get upon your back and ride you like a horse!"which it's my belief he would have done and even actually jerking hisneat little legs ready for a spring as it was. "This," says Mr. Bufflewithout his pen "is an assault and I'll have the law of you." "Sir"replies the Major "if you are a man of honour, your Collector of whatevermay be due on the Honourable Assessment by applying to Major Jackman atthe Parlours Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings, may obtain what he wants in fullat any moment."

  When the Major glared at Mr. Buffle with those meaning words my dear Iliterally gasped for a teaspoonful of salvolatile in a wine-glass ofwater, and I says "Pray let it go no farther gentlemen I beg and beseechof you!" But the Major could be got to do nothing else but snort longafter Mr. Buffle was gone, and the effect it had upon my whole mass ofblood when on the next day of Mr. Buffle's rounds the Major sprucedhimself up and went humming a tune up and down the street with one eyealmost obliterated by his hat there are not expressions in Johnson'sDictionary to state. But I safely put the street door on the jar and gotbehind the Major's blinds with my shawl on and my mind made up the momentI saw danger to rush out screeching till my voice failed me and catch theMajor round the neck till my strength went and have all parties bound. Ihad not been behind the blinds a quarter of an hour when I saw Mr. Buffleapproaching with his Collecting-books in his hand. The Major likewisesaw him approaching and hummed louder and himself approached. They metbefore the Airy railings. The Major takes off his hat at arm's lengthand says "Mr. Buffle I believe?" Mr. Buffle takes off _his_ hat at arm'slength and says "That is my name sir." Says the Major "Have you anycommands for me, Mr. Buffle?" Says Mr. Buffle "Not any sir." Then mydear both of 'em bowed very low and haughty and parted, and whenever Mr.Buffle made his rounds in future him and the Major always met and bowedbefore the Airy railings, putting me much in mind of Hamlet and the othergentleman in mourning before killing one another, though I could havewished the other gentleman had done it fairer and even if less polite nopoison.

  Mr. Buffle's family were not liked in this neighbourhood, for when youare a householder my dear you'll find it does not come by nature to likethe Assessed, and it was considered besides that a one-horse pheaytonought not to have elevated Mrs. Buffle to that height especially whenpurloined from the Taxes which I myself did consider uncharitable. Butthey were _not_ liked and there was that domestic unhappiness in thefamily in consequence of their both being very hard with Miss Buffle andone another on account of Miss Buffle's favouring Mr. Buffle's articledyoung gentleman, that it _was_ whispered that Miss Buffle would go eitherinto a consumption or a convent she being so very thin and off herappetite and two close-shaved gentlemen with white bands round theirnecks peeping round the corner whenever she went out in waistcoatsresembling black pinafores. So things stood towards Mr. Buffle when onenight I was woke by a frightful noise and a smell of burning, and goingto my bedroom window saw the whole street in a glow. Fortunately we hadtwo sets empty just then and before I could hurry on some clothes I heardthe Major hammering at the attics' doors and calling out "Dressyourselves!--Fire! Don't be frightened!--Fire! Collect your presence ofmind!--Fire! All right--Fire!" most tremenjously. As I opened mybedroom door the Major came tumbling in over himself and me, and caughtme in his arms. "Major" I says breathless "where is it?" "I don't knowdearest madam" says the Major--"Fire! Jemmy Jackman will defend you tothe last drop of his blood--Fire! If the dear boy was at home what atreat this would be for him--Fire!" and altogether very collected andbold except that he couldn't say a single sentence without shaking me tothe very centre with roaring Fire. We ran down to the drawing-room andput our heads out of window, and the Major calls
to an unfeeling youngmonkey, scampering by be joyful and ready to split "Where is it?--Fire!"The monkey answers without stopping "O here's a lark! Old Buffle's beensetting his house alight to prevent its being found out that he boned theTaxes. Hurrah! Fire!" And then the sparks came flying up and the smokecame pouring down and the crackling of flames and spatting of water andbanging of engines and hacking of axes and breaking of glass and knockingat doors and the shouting and crying and hurrying and the