Martin Chuzzlewit Read online

  CHAPTER ONE

  INTRODUCTORY, CONCERNING THE PEDIGREE OF THE CHUZZLEWIT FAMILY

  As no lady or gentleman, with any claims to polite breeding, canpossibly sympathize with the Chuzzlewit Family without being firstassured of the extreme antiquity of the race, it is a great satisfactionto know that it undoubtedly descended in a direct line from Adam andEve; and was, in the very earliest times, closely connected with theagricultural interest. If it should ever be urged by grudging andmalicious persons, that a Chuzzlewit, in any period of the familyhistory, displayed an overweening amount of family pride, surely theweakness will be considered not only pardonable but laudable, when theimmense superiority of the house to the rest of mankind, in respect ofthis its ancient origin, is taken into account.

  It is remarkable that as there was, in the oldest family of which wehave any record, a murderer and a vagabond, so we never fail to meet,in the records of all old families, with innumerable repetitions ofthe same phase of character. Indeed, it may be laid down as a generalprinciple, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amountof violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements,combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairingshattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthfulrecreation of the Quality of this land.

  Consequently, it is a source of inexpressible comfort and happinessto find, that in various periods of our history, the Chuzzlewits wereactively connected with divers slaughterous conspiracies and bloodyfrays. It is further recorded of them, that being clad from head toheel in steel of proof, they did on many occasions lead theirleather-jerkined soldiers to the death with invincible courage, andafterwards return home gracefully to their relations and friends.

  There can be no doubt that at least one Chuzzlewit came over withWilliam the Conqueror. It does not appear that this illustrious ancestor'came over' that monarch, to employ the vulgar phrase, at any subsequentperiod; inasmuch as the Family do not seem to have been ever greatlydistinguished by the possession of landed estate. And it is well knownthat for the bestowal of that kind of property upon his favourites,the liberality and gratitude of the Norman were as remarkable as thosevirtues are usually found to be in great men when they give away whatbelongs to other people.

  Perhaps in this place the history may pause to congratulate itself uponthe enormous amount of bravery, wisdom, eloquence, virtue, gentle birth,and true nobility, that appears to have come into England with theNorman Invasion: an amount which the genealogy of every ancient familylends its aid to swell, and which would beyond all question have beenfound to be just as great, and to the full as prolific in giving birthto long lines of chivalrous descendants, boastful of their origin, eventhough William the Conqueror had been William the Conquered; a change ofcircumstances which, it is quite certain, would have made no manner ofdifference in this respect.

  There was unquestionably a Chuzzlewit in the Gunpowder Plot, if indeedthe arch-traitor, Fawkes himself, were not a scion of this remarkablestock; as he might easily have been, supposing another Chuzzlewitto have emigrated to Spain in the previous generation, and thereintermarried with a Spanish lady, by whom he had issue, oneolive-complexioned son. This probable conjecture is strengthened, if notabsolutely confirmed, by a fact which cannot fail to be interestingto those who are curious in tracing the progress of hereditary tastesthrough the lives of their unconscious inheritors. It is a notablecircumstance that in these later times, many Chuzzlewits, beingunsuccessful in other pursuits, have, without the smallest rationalhope of enriching themselves, or any conceivable reason, set up ascoal-merchants; and have, month after month, continued gloomily to watcha small stock of coals, without in any one instance negotiating with apurchaser. The remarkable similarity between this course of proceedingand that adopted by their Great Ancestor beneath the vaults of theParliament House at Westminster, is too obvious and too full ofinterest, to stand in need of comment.

  It is also clearly proved by the oral traditions of the Family, thatthere existed, at some one period of its history which is not distinctlystated, a matron of such destructive principles, and so familiarized tothe use and composition of inflammatory and combustible engines, thatshe was called 'The Match Maker;' by which nickname and byword she isrecognized in the Family legends to this day. Surely there can beno reasonable doubt that this was the Spanish lady, the mother ofChuzzlewit Fawkes.

  But there is one other piece of evidence, bearing immediate referenceto their close connection with this memorable event in English History,which must carry conviction, even to a mind (if such a mind there be)remaining unconvinced by these presumptive proofs.

  There was, within a few years, in the possession of a highly respectableand in every way credible and unimpeachable member of the ChuzzlewitFamily (for his bitterest enemy never dared to hint at his beingotherwise than a wealthy man), a dark lantern of undoubted antiquity;rendered still more interesting by being, in shape and pattern,extremely like such as are in use at the present day. Now thisgentleman, since deceased, was at all times ready to make oath, anddid again and again set forth upon his solemn asseveration, that he hadfrequently heard his grandmother say, when contemplating this venerablerelic, 'Aye, aye! This was carried by my fourth son on the fifth ofNovember, when he was a Guy Fawkes.' These remarkable words wrought(as well they might) a strong impression on his mind, and he was in thehabit of repeating them very often. The just interpretation whichthey bear, and the conclusion to which they lead, are triumphant andirresistible. The old lady, naturally strong-minded, was neverthelessfrail and fading; she was notoriously subject to that confusion ofideas, or, to say the least, of speech, to which age and garrulityare liable. The slight, the very slight, confusion apparent in theseexpressions is manifest, and is ludicrously easy of correction. 'Aye,aye,' quoth she, and it will be observed that no emendation whatever isnecessary to be made in these two initiative remarks, 'Aye, aye!This lantern was carried by my forefather'--not fourth son, which ispreposterous--'on the fifth of November. And HE was Guy Fawkes.' Herewe have a remark at once consistent, clear, natural, and in strictaccordance with the character of the speaker. Indeed the anecdote isso plainly susceptible of this meaning and no other, that it would behardly worth recording in its original state, were it not a proof ofwhat may be (and very often is) affected not only in historical prosebut in imaginative poetry, by the exercise of a little ingenious labouron the part of a commentator.

  It has been said that there is no instance, in modern times, of aChuzzlewit having been found on terms of intimacy with the Great. Buthere again the sneering detractors who weave such miserable figmentsfrom their malicious brains, are stricken dumb by evidence. For lettersare yet in the possession of various branches of the family, from whichit distinctly appears, being stated in so many words, that one DiggoryChuzzlewit was in the habit of perpetually dining with Duke Humphrey.So constantly was he a guest at that nobleman's table, indeed; and sounceasingly were His Grace's hospitality and companionship forced, asit were, upon him; that we find him uneasy, and full of constraint andreluctance; writing his friends to the effect that if they fail to doso and so by bearer, he will have no choice but to dine again with DukeHumphrey; and expressing himself in a very marked and extraordinarymanner as one surfeited of High Life and Gracious Company.

  It has been rumoured, and it is needless to say the rumour originated inthe same base quarters, that a certain male Chuzzlewit, whose birth mustbe admitted to be involved in some obscurity, was of very mean and lowdescent. How stands the proof? When the son of that individual, to whomthe secret of his father's birth was supposed to have been communicatedby his father in his lifetime, lay upon his deathbed, this question wasput to him in a distinct, solemn, and formal way: 'Toby Chuzzlewit,who was your grandfather?' To which he, with his last breath, no lessdistinctly, solemnly, and formally replied: and his words were takendown at the time, and signed by six witnesses, each with his name andaddress in full: 'The Lord No Zoo.' It may be said--it HAS been said,fo
r human wickedness has no limits--that there is no Lord of thatname, and that among the titles which have become extinct, none at allresembling this, in sound even, is to be discovered. But what is theirresistible inference? Rejecting a theory broached by some well-meaningbut mistaken persons, that this Mr Toby Chuzzlewit's grandfather, tojudge from his name, must surely have been a Mandarin (which is whollyinsupportable, for there is no pretence of his grandmother ever havingbeen out of this country, or of any Mandarin having been in it withinsome years of his father's birth; except those in the tea-shops, whichcannot for a moment be regarded as having any bearing on the question,one way or other), rejecting this hypothesis, is it not manifest thatMr Toby Chuzzlewit had either received the name imperfectly from hisfather, or that he had forgotten it, or that he had mispronounced it?and that even at the recent period in question, the Chuzzlewits wereconnected by a bend sinister, or kind of heraldic over-the-left, withsome unknown noble and illustrious House?

  From documentary evidence, yet preserved in the family, the fact isclearly established that in the comparatively modern days of the DiggoryChuzzlewit before mentioned, one of its members had attained tovery great wealth and influence. Throughout such fragments of hiscorrespondence as have escaped the ravages of the moths (who, in rightof their extensive absorption of the contents of deeds and papers, maybe called the general registers of the Insect World), we find him makingconstant reference to an uncle, in respect of whom he would seem to haveentertained great expectations, as he was in the habit of seeking topropitiate his favour by presents of plate, jewels, books, watches, andother valuable articles. Thus, he writes on one occasion to hisbrother in reference to a gravy-spoon, the brother's property, which he(Diggory) would appear to have borrowed or otherwise possessed himselfof: 'Do not be angry, I have parted with it--to my uncle.' On anotheroccasion he expresses himself in a similar manner with regard to achild's mug which had been entrusted to him to get repaired. On anotheroccasion he says, 'I have bestowed upon that irresistible uncle of mineeverything I ever possessed.' And that he was in the habit of payinglong and constant visits to this gentleman at his mansion, if, indeed,he did not wholly reside there, is manifest from the following sentence:'With the exception of the suit of clothes I carry about with me,the whole of my wearing apparel is at present at my uncle's.' Thisgentleman's patronage and influence must have been very extensive, forhis nephew writes, 'His interest is too high'--'It is too much'--'It istremendous'--and the like. Still it does not appear (which is strange)to have procured for him any lucrative post at court or elsewhere, orto have conferred upon him any other distinction than that which wasnecessarily included in the countenance of so great a man, and the beinginvited by him to certain entertainment's, so splendid and costly intheir nature, that he calls them 'Golden Balls.'

  It is needless to multiply instances of the high and lofty station, andthe vast importance of the Chuzzlewits, at different periods. If itcame within the scope of reasonable probability that further proofs wererequired, they might be heaped upon each other until they formed an Alpsof testimony, beneath which the boldest scepticism should be crushedand beaten flat. As a goodly tumulus is already collected, and decentlybattened up above the Family grave, the present chapter is content toleave it as it is: merely adding, by way of a final spadeful, that manyChuzzlewits, both male and female, are proved to demonstration, on thefaith of letters written by their own mothers, to have had chisellednoses, undeniable chins, forms that might have served the sculptor for amodel, exquisitely-turned limbs and polished foreheads of so transparenta texture that the blue veins might be seen branching off in variousdirections, like so many roads on an ethereal map. This fact in itself,though it had been a solitary one, would have utterly settled andclenched the business in hand; for it is well known, on the authorityof all the books which treat of such matters, that every one of thesephenomena, but especially that of the chiselling, are invariablypeculiar to, and only make themselves apparent in, persons of the verybest condition.

  This history having, to its own perfect satisfaction, (and,consequently, to the full contentment of all its readers,) proved theChuzzlewits to have had an origin, and to have been at one time or otherof an importance which cannot fail to render them highly improving andacceptable acquaintance to all right-minded individuals, may now proceedin earnest with its task. And having shown that they must have had, byreason of their ancient birth, a pretty large share in the foundationand increase of the human family, it will one day become its province tosubmit, that such of its members as shall be introduced in these pages,have still many counterparts and prototypes in the Great World about us.At present it contents itself with remarking, in a general way, on thishead: Firstly, that it may be safely asserted, and yet withoutimplying any direct participation in the Manboddo doctrine touching theprobability of the human race having once been monkeys, that men doplay very strange and extraordinary tricks. Secondly, and yet withouttrenching on the Blumenbach theory as to the descendants of Adam havinga vast number of qualities which belong more particularly to swine thanto any other class of animals in the creation, that some men certainlyare remarkable for taking uncommon good care of themselves.