The Lamplighter Read online

don’t much matter, Sir,” says Tom, “I ain’t long for this world.Eight weeks of marriage, especially with this young woman, mightreconcile me to my fate. I think,” he says, “I could go off easy afterthat.” With which he embraces her with a very dismal face, and groans ina way that might move a heart of stone—even of philosopher’s stone.

  ‘“Egad,” says the old gentleman, “that reminds me—this bustle put it outof my head—there was a figure wrong. He’ll live to a green oldage—eighty-seven at least!”

  ‘“How much, Sir?” cries Tom.

  ‘“Eighty-seven!” says the old gentleman.

  ‘Without another word, Tom flings himself on the old gentleman’s neck;throws up his hat; cuts a caper; defies the waiting-maid; and refers herto the butcher.

  ‘“You won’t marry her!” says the old gentleman, angrily.

  ‘“And live after it!” says Tom. “I’d sooner marry a mermaid with asmall-tooth comb and looking-glass.”

  ‘“Then take the consequences,” says the other.

  ‘With those words—I beg your kind attention here, gentlemen, for it’sworth your notice—the old gentleman wetted the forefinger of his righthand in some of the liquor from the crucible that was spilt on the floor,and drew a small triangle on Tom’s forehead. The room swam before hiseyes, and he found himself in the watch-house.’

  ‘Found himself _where_?’ cried the vice, on behalf of the companygenerally.

  ‘In the watch-house,’ said the chairman. ‘It was late at night, and hefound himself in the very watch-house from which he had been let out thatmorning.’

  ‘Did he go home?’ asked the vice.

  ‘The watch-house people rather objected to that,’ said the chairman; ‘sohe stopped there that night, and went before the magistrate in themorning. “Why, you’re here again, are you?” says the magistrate, addinginsult to injury; “we’ll trouble you for five shillings more, if you canconveniently spare the money.” Tom told him he had been enchanted, butit was of no use. He told the contractors the same, but they wouldn’tbelieve him. It was very hard upon him, gentlemen, as he often said, forwas it likely he’d go and invent such a tale? They shook their heads andtold him he’d say anything but his prayers—as indeed he would; there’s nodoubt about that. It was the only imputation on his moral character thatever _I_ heard of.’