Mrs. Lirriper's Lodgings Read online

newspaper to put in anadvertisement, which came out next day four-and-twenty hours after he wasfound, and which I mean always carefully to keep in my lavender drawer asthe first printed account of him. The more the day got on, the more Igot distracted and the Major too and both of us made worse by thecomposed ways of the police though very civil and obliging and what Imust call their obstinacy in not entertaining the idea that he wasstolen. "We mostly find Mum" says the sergeant who came round to comfortme, which he didn't at all and he had been one of the private constablesin Caroline's time to which he referred in his opening words when he said"Don't give way to uneasiness in your mind Mum, it'll all come as rightas my nose did when I got the same barked by that young woman in yoursecond floor"--says this sergeant "we mostly find Mum as people ain'tover-anxious to have what I may call second-hand children. _You'll_ gethim back Mum." "O but my dear good sir" I says clasping my hands andwringing them and clasping them again "he is such an uncommon child!""Yes Mum" says the sergeant, "we mostly find that too Mum. The questionis what his clothes were worth." "His clothes" I says "were not worthmuch sir for he had only got his playing-dress on, but the dear child!--""All right Mum" says the sergeant. "You'll get him back Mum. And evenif he'd had his best clothes on, it wouldn't come to worse than his beingfound wrapped up in a cabbage-leaf, a shivering in a lane." His wordspierced my heart like daggers and daggers, and me and the Major ran inand out like wild things all day long till the Major returning from hisinterview with the Editor of the _Times_ at night rushes into my littleroom hysterical and squeezes my hand and wipes his eyes and says "Joyjoy--officer in plain clothes came up on the steps as I was lettingmyself in--compose your feelings--Jemmy's found." Consequently I faintedaway and when I came to, embraced the legs of the officer in plainclothes who seemed to be taking a kind of a quiet inventory in his mindof the property in my little room with brown whiskers, and I says"Blessings on you sir where is the Darling!" and he says "In KenningtonStation House." I was dropping at his feet Stone at the image of thatInnocence in cells with murderers when he adds "He followed the Monkey."I says deeming it slang language "O sir explain for a loving grandmotherwhat Monkey!" He says "Him in the spangled cap with the strap under thechin, as won't keep on--him as sweeps the crossings on a round table anddon't want to draw his sabre more than he can help." Then I understoodit all and most thankfully thanked him, and me and the Major and himdrove over to Kennington and there we found our boy lying quitecomfortable before a blazing fire having sweetly played himself to sleepupon a small accordion nothing like so big as a flat-iron which they hadbeen so kind as to lend him for the purpose and which it appeared hadbeen stopped upon a very young person.

  My dear the system upon which the Major commenced and as I may sayperfected Jemmy's learning when he was so small that if the dear was onthe other side of the table you had to look under it instead of over itto see him with his mother's own bright hair in beautiful curls, is athing that ought to be known to the Throne and Lords and Commons and thenmight obtain some promotion for the Major which he well deserves andwould be none the worse for (speaking between friends) L. S. D.-ically.When the Major first undertook his learning he says to me:

  "I'm going Madam," he says "to make our child a Calculating Boy.

  "Major," I says, "you terrify me and may do the pet a permanent injuryyou would never forgive yourself."

  "Madam," says the Major, "next to my regret that when I had myboot-sponge in my hand, I didn't choke that scoundrel with it--on thespot--"

  "There! For Gracious' sake," I interrupts, "let his conscience find himwithout sponges."

  "--I say next to that regret, Madam," says the Major "would be the regretwith which my breast," which he tapped, "would be surcharged if this finemind was not early cultivated. But mark me Madam," says the Majorholding up his forefinger "cultivated on a principle that will make it adelight."

  "Major" I says "I will be candid with you and tell you openly that ifever I find the dear child fall off in his appetite I shall know it ishis calculations and shall put a stop to them at two minutes' notice. Orif I find them mounting to his head" I says, "or striking anyways cold tohis stomach or leading to anything approaching flabbiness in his legs,the result will be the same, but Major you are a clever man and have seenmuch and you love the child and are his own godfather, and if you feel aconfidence in trying try."

  "Spoken Madam" says the Major "like Emma Lirriper. All I have to ask,Madam, is that you will leave my godson and myself to make a week ortwo's preparations for surprising you, and that you will give me leave tohave up and down any small articles not actually in use that I mayrequire from the kitchen."

  "From the kitchen Major?" I says half feeling as if he had a mind to cookthe child.

  "From the kitchen" says the Major, and smiles and swells, and at the sametime looks taller.

  So I passed my word and the Major and the dear boy were shut up togetherfor half an hour at a time through a certain while, and never could Ihear anything going on betwixt them but talking and laughing and Jemmyclapping his hands and screaming out numbers, so I says to myself "it hasnot harmed him yet" nor could I on examining the dear find any signs ofit anywhere about him which was likewise a great relief. At last one dayJemmy brings me a card in joke in the Major's neat writing "The Messrs.Jemmy Jackman" for we had given him the Major's other name too "requestthe honour of Mrs. Lirriper's company at the Jackman Institution in thefront parlour this evening at five, military time, to witness a fewslight feats of elementary arithmetic." And if you'll believe me therein the front parlour at five punctual to the moment was the Major behindthe Pembroke table with both leaves up and a lot of things from thekitchen tidily set out on old newspapers spread atop of it, and there wasthe Mite stood upon a chair with his rosy cheeks flushing and his eyessparkling clusters of diamonds.

  "Now Gran" says he, "oo tit down and don't oo touch ler people"--for hesaw with every one of those diamonds of his that I was going to give hima squeeze.

  "Very well sir" I says "I am obedient in this good company I am sure."And I sits down in the easy-chair that was put for me, shaking my sides.

  But picture my admiration when the Major going on almost as quick as ifhe was conjuring sets out all the articles he names, and says "Threesaucepans, an Italian iron, a hand-bell, a toasting-fork, anutmeg-grater, four potlids, a spice-box, two egg-cups, and a chopping-board--how many?" and when that Mite instantly cries "Tifteen, tut downtive and carry ler 'toppin-board" and then claps his hands draws up hislegs and dances on his chair.

  My dear with the same astonishing ease and correctness him and the Majoradded up the tables chairs and sofy, the picters fenders and fire-ironstheir own selves me and the cat and the eyes in Miss Wozenham's head, andwhenever the sum was done Young Roses and Diamonds claps his hands anddraws up his legs and dances on his chair.

  The pride of the Major! ("_Here's_ a mind Ma'am!" he says to me behindhis hand.)

  Then he says aloud, "We now come to the next elementary rule,--which iscalled--"

  "Umtraction!" cries Jemmy.

  "Right," says the Major. "We have here a toasting-fork, a potato in itsnatural state, two potlids, one egg-cup, a wooden spoon, and two skewers,from which it is necessary for commercial purposes to subtract a sprat-gridiron, a small pickle-jar, two lemons, one pepper-castor, ablackbeetle-trap, and a knob of the dresser-drawer--what remains?"

  "Toatin-fork!" cries Jemmy.

  "In numbers how many?" says the Major.

  "One!" cries Jemmy.

  ("_Here's_ a boy, Ma'am!" says the Major to me behind his hand.) Thenthe Major goes on:

  "We now approach the next elementary rule,--which is entitled--"

  "Tickleication" cries Jemmy.

  "Correct" says the Major.

  But my dear to relate to you in detail the way in which they multipliedfourteen sticks of firewood by two bits of ginger and a larding needle,or divided pretty well everything else there was on the table by theheater of the Italian iron a
nd a chamber candlestick, and got a lemonover, would make my head spin round and round and round as it did at thetime. So I says "if you'll excuse my addressing the chair ProfessorJackman I think the period of the lecture has now arrived when it becomesnecessary that I should take a good hug of this young scholar." Uponwhich Jemmy calls out from his station on the chair, "Gran oo open oorarms and me'll make a