Scrooge #worstgiftever Read online

  Scrooge

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  OK, OK, I know. #distasteful. He’s not *totally* broken.

  But the future doesn’t look so for him. I see an empty stool in the corner with only one crutch propped up against it.

  Scrooge

  No! You have to save him!

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  I’m not Dr. Ghost of Christmas Present, ya know. I can’t save him.

  Besides, why are you so upset? You couldn’t care less if these creatures—poor people —died. That’s what you want, right? To put them in prisons and workhouses?

  Scrooge

  I thought I did, but now I feel .

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Buckle up, buddy. I’ve got one more place to show you. Tappity tap, tap, tap them.

  Ghost of Christmas Present and Scrooge have checked into Fred’s .

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Remember how you treated your nephew?

  Scrooge

  I’m afraid to.

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Betcha thought that would his spirit.

  Scrooge

  I didn’t mean for it to!

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Calm down. You’re not that important.

  They’ll prove it. Look and learn.

  Fred

  So excited for our party tonight!

  Fred’s Wife

  me 2! do we have everything we need? drinks?

  Fred

  Fred’s Wife

  snax?

  Fred

  Fred’s Wife

  scrooge?

  Fred

  Negative.

  You should’ve heard Uncle Scrooge today! He said that Christmas was a humbug, LOL! And he believed it!

  Fred’s Wife

  ugh. i can’t even. he’s tha worst.

  Fred

  IDK. He’s not so bad! Grumpy AF, yeah, but I ain’t mad.

  Fred’s Wife

  at least he’s rich, amirite?

  Fred

  So? He might be rich, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t DO anything with it. Not for himself, and not for others. He’s just wasting his life away.

  Fred’s Wife

  his loss!

  Fred

  It really is. Who suffers? He does! He doesn’t like us, so he’s not coming to our party. And he’s going to miss out on a GREAT time!

  Fred’s Wife

  idk why we invite him every year. he always says no.

  Fred

  IDC. I’ll keep trying anyway. He’s not going to find happiness in his gloomy office.

  Who knows—one year he might have a change of and decide to come! Maybe he’ll even give Bob Cratchit the day off and a raise.

  Fred’s Wife

  lol. good 1!

  Fred

  Tonight we cheers to Uncle Scrooge!

  Fred’s Wife

  to scrooge and his health! and a merry xmas!

  Scrooge

  Can we stay for the party? Please?!

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Hello?? You know you can’t interact with them.

  Besides, I’m gettin’ old.

  Scrooge

  Whaddya mean? We just got started!

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  My time on is running out.

  I’m only…present (badumpsh) …until midnight.

  Scrooge

  Oh. Is that when the last will visit me?

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  You got it.

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Before I leave, though, just remember if we’ve learned anything, it’s that ignorance and greed are gonna bring you down.

  It’s never too late to change, boo.

  Scrooge

  TYVM for showing me everything tonight. It was eye-opening.

  Ghost of Christmas Present

  Aw, you ol’ softie.

  GL2U, Screw-ge. TT4N!

  Scrooge

  Can people change? Can you really teach an old dog new tricks? I’m beginning to worry. —feeling stressed

  Be the first to like this.

  REPLY

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Hello?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Are you the from the future?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  You must be. Past, present, and now you.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  This is starting to freak me out.

  But OK. Lead on, .

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Seriously?! A skull?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come and Scrooge have checked into a funeral parlor.

  Scrooge

  A funeral? I’m not sure I’m ready for this. Who died?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  You don’t say much, do you?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Oh, a guest list. Lemme see.

  Ebenezer Scrooge—December 25

  Man Whom Scrooge Never Bothered to Speak To

  Comment: Does anyone know when he died?

  Woman Who Once Saw Him on the Street

  Comment: Last night—Xmas Eve

  Lady Whom Scrooge Was Introduced to Three Times but Still Couldn’t Remember

  Comment: How terrible! What did he…croak from?

  Guy Who Doesn’t Know How He Ended Up Here

  Comment: IDK, but I thought he’d never die!

  Man Who Has Only One Thing on His Mind

  Comment: What did he do with his ?

  Woman Who Lived Around the Corner from Scrooge

  Comment: Not sure. Certainly didn’t leave it to me!

  Scrooge

  Huh. IDGI. Are we at Jacob’s funeral?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Ya know, it’d be helpful if you actually said something once in a while.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Fine.

  Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into a dirty, run-down shop in a bad part of town.

  Scrooge

  Ew, this place is filthy.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Read this?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Thanks. So helpful as always.

  Transcript between Mrs. Dilber, Old Joe, Laundress, and Undertaker

  Old Joe: Welcome, everyone.

  Mrs. Dilber: Let’s get this started, shall we? I brought my goods. What about the rest of you?

  Laundress: Got mine!

  Laundress: You sure it’s OK to divvy up his things like this?

  Mrs. Dilber: Completely. I used to scrub and clean his all the time. I’m not even sure he knew that half this stuff existed. He won’t miss any of it.

  Laundress: True. He always took care of himself first.

  Mrs. Dilber: If he really wanted his belongings to go elsewhere after , he would have been nicer to people, so someone could have taken care of him when he was . Instead, he died alone.

  Old Joe: And a dead man won’t miss any of this.

  Old Joe: I’ll take the smallest first. Undertaker, whatcha got?

  Undertaker: Err.

  Old Joe: Okayyy. I’ll pay for all of that. Next!

  Laundress:

  Old Joe: Great. Here you are. Next!

  Mrs. Dilber: Open my , Joe.

  Old Joe: Let’s see here. Wow!

  Old Joe:

  Old Joe: It’s beautiful—looks never worn. How did you get this? It’s very expensive.

  Mrs. Dilber: I took it off of him, of course!

  Old Joe: You took th
e off his back? Literally?

  Mrs. Dilber: Someone must have wanted him buried in it. What a waste! I replaced it with a different . I took his curtains and bedsheets too. They’re all yours.

  Old Joe:

  Scrooge

  This is awful! I’ve lived a life like that man. It could very well be me they’re stealing from.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Where to now?

  Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into a dark and dingy bedroom.

  Scrooge

  Where are we?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  The bed? What’s under the sheet?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  No. No, no, no, no, NO. I won’t look!

  Why isn’t there anyone here grieving him?

  Surely there has to be someone who misses him. Show me someone who misses him!

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into a lively .

  Wife

  Any news?? When will you be home?

  Husband

  Yes, but it’s bad.

  Wife

  Let me guess. He didn’t agree to extend our loan? I figured as much.

  Husband

  He’s dead, . Heard it from his housekeeper firsthand.

  Wife

  WTF?

  Husband

  I thought he was just avoiding me, but it’s true. He is .

  Wife

  But what about our debt?

  Husband

  I’m not completely sure, but…I don’t think we have to worry about it anymore!

  Wife

  Really?! Finally! We can peacefully tonight. #MiraclesHappen

  Husband

  Be home soon!

  Wife

  Scrooge

  Why would you show me people who are over this man’s death??

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Oh, no.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  OK, OK!

  Scrooge and Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come have checked into Bob Cratchit’s .

  Scrooge

  I don’t think I like the reason you’ve brought me here.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Group text: Peter, Belinda, Mrs. Cratchit, Bob Cratchit

  Peter

  It’s not fair! When will you be home, Dad?

  Belinda

  Peter

  Why are you trying to one-up me?

  Belinda

  #Rude. I’m not. These tears are real.

  Mrs. Cratchit

  Children, please. Now is not the time.

  Bob Cratchit

  Your is right. We’re in mourning.

  Belinda

  I’m sorry. I miss him, that’s all.

  Peter

  Me too. I miss .

  Bob Cratchit

  We all do. The funeral is set for Sunday.

  Make sure you wear all black.

  Mrs. Cratchit

  I’ve been sewing s all day.

  Bob Cratchit

  I met Scrooge’s nephew, Fred, today.

  He had the nicest things to say and sends his thoughts and prayers to us.

  Mrs. Cratchit

  That was very nice of him, indeed.

  Bob Cratchit

  He gave me his card in case we ever need him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he helped Peter find a better job.

  Peter

  Really?! That would be amazing.

  Mrs. Cratchit

  Yes, it would! What a great man.

  Bob Cratchit

  It’s a ray of light in an otherwise bleak time. We will never forget Tiny Tim.

  Belinda

  Never. #RestInPeaceTT

  Mrs. Cratchit

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Our time is nearing the end, I know.

  Tell me—I need to know whose funeral we attended. Please?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come and Scrooge have checked into a cemetery.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  I’m afraid to whose name is on that headstone.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  All right, sheesh! For someone so quiet, you sure are pushy.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  OMG

  It was MY funeral??

  This headstone has my name on it: EBENEZER SCROOGE.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  I’ve changed, though! I promise!

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  It’s not too late, is it? Am I really ?

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  I PROMISE to honor Christmas in my forever!

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Throughout the ENTIRE year.

  I’ll live in the past, present, and future. I won’t forget everything I’ve learned from you three!

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

  Scrooge

  Please make this headstone disappear.

  I’ll do anything. PLEASE!!!

  Scrooge

  OMG. It’s Christmas, and I’m still here! Pray for me that I make it through the whole day!—feeling relieved

  Be the first to like this.

  REPLY

  Scrooge: Hallelujah!

  Scrooge: I’m so happy!!!

  Scrooge: So happy I’m crying!!!!!

  Scrooge: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

  Scrooge

  Tell me, stranger—what day is it?!

  555-1422

  New phone, who dis?

  Scrooge

  A man living in the past, present, and future!

  555-1422

  Weirdo.

  It’s Christmas.

  Scrooge