Scrooge #worstgiftever Read online

  Christmas! It’s Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

  Scrooge

  Good morning! Can you tell me if you’ve sold the large turkey that’s been hanging in your window?

  Grocer

  The one that’s as big as a small ?

  Scrooge

  That’s the one!

  Grocer

  Nope, still here.

  Scrooge

  Perfect! I’d like to buy it, please. I have the perfect for it.

  Scrooge

  Hello! I don’t know if you remember me. This is Scrooge from Scrooge & Marley’s. You contacted me the other day about donating to charity.

  555-5586

  yes, i remember. how r u?

  Scrooge

  WONDERFUL! AMAZING! I hope you are too!

  Did you collect a lot for the poor? What a wonderful thing you were doing.

  555-5586

  r u SURE this is the same scrooge i spoke to?

  Scrooge

  my . It’s me!

  And I feel so awful for the way I treated you. I hope you’ll still accept my donation for your charity.

  555-5586

  scrooge! it’s too much. i don’t know what to say!

  Scrooge

  You don’t need to say anything! Merry Christmas!!

  Scrooge has checked into Fred’s .

  Scrooge

  Fred! You ? I’m right outside your !

  Fred

  Uncle Scrooge? I can’t believe you’re here!

  Scrooge

  I was wondering if your generous invitation to Christmas dinner with your was still open. I understand if you don’t want me here, though.

  Fred

  Of COURSE you’re welcome! Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!

  Scrooge has checked into Scrooge & Marley’s.

  Scrooge

  Do you know what time it is, Bob?

  Bob Cratchit

  I’m so sorry, Mr. Scrooge! I know I’m running late!

  Scrooge

  Twenty minutes late, to be specific.

  Bob Cratchit

  It won’t happen again.

  It’s just because of yesterday’s festivities.

  Scrooge

  You’re darn right it won’t happen again.

  Bob Cratchit

  Scrooge

  Because I’m giving you a raise!!

  Bob Cratchit

  Wh-what?

  Scrooge

  Merry Christmas, Bob! You deserve this!

  And I want to help your as much as I can too!

  Bob Cratchit

  You’re really going to do that?

  Scrooge

  I won’t peacefully until we’ve found a cure for your precious Tiny Tim .

  Bob Cratchit

  Thank you, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you! Merry Christmas!

  Scrooge

  Merry Christmas, Bob.

  Merry Christmas to the whole !

  Scrooge

  I’ve learned so much recently. About what it means to be rich , but more important what it means to give. Most of all, though, I’ve learned how important friends and are, especially colleagues and nephews and children who still have so much life to experience . Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year and its past, present, and future spirit should be recognized year-round. What a time to be alive!

  86 people have liked this.

  REPLY

  Scrooge

  I guess there’s only one more thing to say—as someone once wisely spoke:

  God bless us, every one!

  110 people have liked this.

  REPLY

  Fred: We you, Uncle Scrooge!

  Bob Cratchit: You’re the greatest of all.

  Tiny Tim: Hey, cool!

  Ghost of Christmas Past:

  Ghost of Christmas Present: That has nada to do w/xmas, GCP!

  Ghost of Christmas Past: R U talking 2 urself?

  Ghost of Christmas Present: Goooood one. So clever. Better save that one for next year.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come:

  Ghost of Christmas Present: C’mon, GCYC! Lighten up already.

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come:

  Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: JK! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

  The 411 for Those Not in the Know

  411: Information

  AF: As F*ck

  BAE: Before Anyone Else (your babe)

  FBF: Flashback Friday

  FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out

  GL2U: Good Luck To You

  GR8: Great

  IDC: I Don’t Care

  IDGI: I Don’t Get It

  IDK: I Don’t Know

  JK: Just Kidding

  L8R: Later

  NAGL: Not A Good Look

  NBD: No Big Deal

  NMF: Not My Fault

  OMG: Oh My God

  OOTD: Outfit Of The Day

  OTP: One True Pairing

  RN: Right Now

  TBH: To Be Honest

  TBT: Throwback Thursday

  TL;DR: Too Long; Didn’t Read

  TT4N: Ta Ta For Now

  TTYN: Talk To You Never

  TY: Thank You

  TYVM: Thank You Very Much

  WTF: What The F*ck

  Y/Y: Yes/Yes

  Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book

  Angry

  Anguished

  Annoyed

  Anxious

  Confused

  Cool

  Dead/Dying

  Devilish

  Devious

  Disappointed

  Embarrassed

  Extremely amused (crying)

  Extremely angry (fuming)

  Extremely embarrassed

  Extremely sad (crying)

  Eyeroll

  Flirty

  Friendly (wink, wink)

  Goofy

  Happy

  Indifferent

  Love

  Panicked

  Sad

  Shocked

  Shocked and screaming

  Sick

  Silly

  Sleepy

  Speechless

  Tearing up

  Teasing

  Unamused

  Worried

  BRETT WRIGHT has a BFA in creative writing and works full-time as a children’s book editor in New York City. In college, he studied Shakespearean tragedy, which was sadly lacking in emoticons. He loves receiving during the holidays. @brettwright

  CHARLES DICKENS was an English writer born in 1812. His best-known works are Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, A Tale of Two Cities, and, of course, A Christmas Carol. He was a popular writer during his lifetime, producing fifteen novels, five novellas, and hundreds of short stories and articles. He is still recognized today as a literary genius.

  - Volume 1 -

  Mr. Bennet

  REPLY

  Lady Lucas: Duh, everyone knows that!

  Mr. Bingley has checked into Netherfield Park.

  Mrs. Bennet, Lady Lucas, and 20 others like this.

  Mrs. Bennet

  OMG, babe, guess who just bought Netherfield Park!

  Charles Bingley

  Mr. Bennet

  Single or married?

  Mrs. Bennet

  SINGLE!! Will you go see him?

  Mr. Bennet

  Mrs. Bennet

  What?! Why not?!?!

  Mr. Bennet

  Go without me. My fingers are crossed for Lizzy!

  Mrs. Bennet

  Lizzy?! But Jane’s the prettiest! And Lydia’s the most fun! I don’t know why you Lizzy the most….

  Mr. Bennet

  Mrs. Bennet took a quiz.

  Using one emoji, describe your daughters.

  Jane:

  Lizzy:

  Mary:

  Kitty:

  Lydia:

  Kitty likes this.

  REPLY

  Mrs. Bennet

  I’m so over Bingley!! He just moved in & it’s all anyone talks
about anymore!!

  Mr. Bennet

  If I knew you were of him, I wouldn’t have gone over there this morning.

  Mrs. Bennet

  WHAT?! OMG! Best husband everrr!!!

  Mrs. Bennet

  Lady Lucas, what did your husband say about Mr. Bingley?!?! I need details!!

  Lady Lucas

  Young! Handsome! Charming! #AllTheThings

  And that he’ll be GOING TO OUR BALL.

  Mrs. Bennet

  OMG!!! We’ll be there!

  Dancer

  Charles Bingley asks Charlotte Lucas to dance.

  Charlotte Lucas accepts. #SwipesRight

  Charles Bingley asks Jane Bennet to dance.

  Jane Bennet accepts. #SwipesRight

  Charles Bingley asks Jane Bennet to dance again.

  Jane Bennet accepts. #SwipesRight

  Charles Bingley suggests Fitzwilliam Darcy ask Elizabeth Bennet to dance.

  Fitzwilliam Darcy declines. #SwipesLeft

  Bingley: Darcy, c’mon! Ur really not going to dance with anyone?

  Darcy: Your sisters are all taken. None of these other girls are good enough 4 me. You got the prettiest 1.

  Bingley: I know, right? #SorryNotSorry

  Bingley: But her sister Lizzy seems cool.

  Darcy: Meh. Not hot. Besides, if no1 else wants her, why should I?

  Bingley: You are the WORST wingman.

  Jane

  Lizzy, dance w/ that hot guy Darcy!

  Lizzy

  Look at your Dancer feed. He’s a jerk.

  Jane

  Maybe it was an accidental swipe left?!

  Lizzy

  Whatevs. I won’t let a guy like that ruin my night.

  Mrs. Bennet

  OMG such a fun night! Bingley and Jane danced twice! Not the first dance (damn you, Charlotte Lucas! Lol jk jk). But still, TWICE! OH!!! And this other guy, Darcy, was a complete to everyone all night long. He didn’t even dance with Lizzy!!! Lame!

  REPLY

  Mr. Bennet: Everyone please disregard the above. There’s nothing to here….

  Jane

  Lizzy, I think I’m in love <3 <3 <3

  I can’t believe Bingley asked me to dance—twice!

  Lizzy

  I can. Do you have any idea how pretty you are? Hint:

  Bingley’s sisters, though…

  Jane

  Mrs. Hurst & Miss Bingley?

  Lizzy

  Yeah…#Yikes They think they’re hot sh*t, huh?

  Jane

  Maybe they’re not so bad once you get 2 know them.

  Lizzy

  Hopefully I’ll never have to!

  Group text: Jane, Charlotte, Lizzy

  Jane

  Charlotte, Bingley danced with you first!

  Charlotte

  But he danced with you twice!

  Darcy really should have danced with Lizzy.

  Lizzy

  He had me on his Not Hot list, that’s for sure. I needed an extra shawl for all that #Shade.

  Charlotte

  SMH. Ya, he’s stuck up. But let’s be real…he has reason 2 b, with his and everything else going for him.

  Lizzy

  I’d be cool with his pride if he didn’t trample on mine. #HatersGonnaHate

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